The Sidewalks

On the sidewalk, I’m smoking a cigarette.
The rain has stopped; now the street glitters under the moonlight
like a brand new street wrapped in cellophane.

I can hear the pounding of a hammer in the distance.
It’s the beat of an old song, the march of dead dreams.
Let me walk towards it…

Years ago, back when I was still a university student
unwisely majoring in English Literature,
when I was a head of garlic in apple cider vinegar
waiting to become torshi seer,
I used to write poems about the dirty sidewalks of Hamra Street.

“You keep writing about Hamra as if you owe it something,” a friend once said.
“There’s more to life than the dirty sidewalks,” another complained.
“You need aesthetics,” a poet recommended.
“Why don’t you try to write about something else for once?” the creative writing instructor asked. “Have you tried Stream of Consciousness?”

What?
Do I look like I care?

In a silence filled with resting melodies, sounds leak
like tears from a rusty faucet.
It’s their voices.
I see their words
dribbling down like embarrassed whispers
to form a pond
in the bathroom of an abandoned apartment
somewhere on Hamra Street.
Mosquitoes will lay their eggs there.
Cockroaches will drink from it
and die.

My beard is unkempt.
The grin on my face smells like sulfur.
I forgot my jacket in the office.
I’m cold.
My socks are wet.
I’m smoking another cigarette on the sidewalk.

It’s been more than a decade.
(Time, once the map of an adventurer, is now nothing
but a wall conquered by moss.)
Where are they all?
I still walk the same street,
on the same dirty sidewalks!
I have my coffee,
I have my beer,
I have my cigarettes…
I am
here.
Where are they?

There’s nothing but the dirty sidewalks.
Only dirty sidewalks.
Do you understand?
All those who said otherwise
are no more –
some died,
others escaped like rats out of a sinking ship,
most of them simply vanished.

And if you ask now, “What is all of this?”
The street will answer, “A recital.”

We were never poets.
The sidewalks were and still are
the poets.
We were always poems
meant to be forgotten.

Come here.

On the sidewalk, I’m smoking a cigarette.

November 26, 2020: Untitled

It’s the need to say something
that makes me want to write.

However, the need to say something
doesn’t necessarily mean that I have anything to say.
It’s been almost a year since I last produced a piece —
a short story — that I thought was good.

Since March, my mind has been deteriorating.
I have been deteriorating.

It hasn’t been a good year, and it all started late last year.
A pseudo-revolution in Lebanon back in October 2019.
I believed in it and was part of it,
but it turned out to be nothing but noise!
Then, as 2020 began, Lebanon defaulted on its debts.
Covid-19 became a pandemic soon after.
Beirut’s port exploded on August 4.
The Nagorno-Karabakh war began on September 27
and ended on November 10 with Armenia losing.
Yes, a bad year for the world,
a horrible year for a Lebanese-Armenian like me.

Then, last Wednesday, on November 18, my grandmother died,
and we buried her where we had buried
my father and my grandfather less than two years ago.

And here I am at my desk now,
trying to work,
to live a normal life.

I want to write about something, and there are
so many things to write about.
But I have nothing to say.
Yet.

My question is:
How can I get rid of this brain fog?
It came once and never left.

September 26, 2020: Maybe I should start reading less

In the morning, I read the last pages of Nietzsche’s The Use and Abuse of History — now the 32nd book I read in 2020. I was happy at first, but, when I entered Goodreads to add it, I saw that I was three books behind schedule to hit my target of 48 books in 2020.

I went to the pile of unread books I have in my bedroom to choose the next book, but I got a little depressed.

One can never read enough. There is always more to read. It’s impossible to become Faustus.

And why am I reading? Why am I trying so hard to consume as many books as possible? Who am I racing or competing with? There are few people I know who read more than I do anyway. So what am I trying to achieve here?

Maybe I should slow down, read less but more carefully, write more… Think more, live more…

To acquire knowledge has been my only goal in life so far. I always wanted to know everything about everything, which is kind of — childish.

What is knowledge good for? (Foucault would say, “for cutting.”) Moreover, what am I good for?

Who do I want to be?