September 26, 2020: Maybe I should start reading less

In the morning, I read the last pages of Nietzsche’s The Use and Abuse of History — now the 32nd book I read in 2020. I was happy at first, but, when I entered Goodreads to add it, I saw that I was three books behind schedule to hit my target of 48 books in 2020.

I went to the pile of unread books I have in my bedroom to choose the next book, but I got a little depressed.

One can never read enough. There is always more to read. It’s impossible to become Faustus.

And why am I reading? Why am I trying so hard to consume as many books as possible? Who am I racing or competing with? There are few people I know who read more than I do anyway. So what am I trying to achieve here?

Maybe I should slow down, read less but more carefully, write more… Think more, live more…

To acquire knowledge has been my only goal in life so far. I always wanted to know everything about everything, which is kind of — childish.

What is knowledge good for? (Foucault would say, “for cutting.”) Moreover, what am I good for?

Who do I want to be?

February 3, 2020: Checkmate Instead of Goodnight

It’s 4:00 AM, almost dawn. Black and white squares everywhere I look. Sixty-four. I’ve been playing chess all night, fighting to control the center, chasing the enemy’s king. Gambits and sacrifices. From opening to middlegame to endgame… How many games? About a hundred, I guess, or maybe more. Blitz and Bullet. Bishops, Knights, Rooks, and Queens — everything was sacrificed. My time also was sacrificed. This game, the game of the gods, is poison. It’s a board game, yes, but it’s larger than life. “Life is too short for chess,” a great player once said. And he wasn’t joking. No, he couldn’t have been joking. What a game! I’m in bed now, finally, warming my feet under the blanket. But my head is filled with the images and sounds of chessmen. When I close my eyes I see the board. I’m in sinking in quicksand, sinking slowly. I can’t sleep. I have a fever. Tonight, it’s checkmate instead of good night.

Chris Khatschadourian - In Sanity Q - Playroom

July 18, 2019: Start Again

Abandoning the book I’ve been working on for the last 10 years. Inhale, delete folder, exhale. This isn’t the easiest thing I’ve done. I’m not even sure if I’m doing the right thing. But I know I must move on.

It could have been a masterpiece. Too bad.

Yesterday, I started working on a new novel. I don’t have the whole plot planned out yet, but I was able to draft the first chapter in one day. I sent it to friends to get some feedback. Five out of seven already replied. Not bad. They like where this is going. So let’s see.

Ever since I have accepted that I am not a “writer”, I’ve been writing more. I’m no longer a perfectionist, and I can now actually get things done. So far, so good.

Every time you kill a dream, a new one is born.