August 2, 2019: Why Am I So Unhappy?

As soon as I crawl into bed, my blood starts to boil. Every night.

“I could have done this and I should have done that,” I sigh, “I wasted my day again.”

I keep promising myself things. I draw plans I will never execute. And then, I always wish I had written more, read more, worked more, loved more, ran more…

I am growing old, getting fat, losing hope, going mad.


I want to become better and do more, so where do I start?

But do more for what? What is the big dream here? What is the goal? I need an answer, but I don’t know where to find it.


I have a heart and I follow it blindly it seems, like an idiot, like an ass. There is no big dream, only impulse. No future, only present.

It is not a great thing to only live in the present.


More than once I spat at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. More than once I considered myself a failed artist. More than once I cried in despair…

I look at my paintings sometimes and wonder what will happen to them when I die. Will they ever mean anything? The observers, will they understand anything, feel anything? I don’t think so.


What am I writing? Where is this going?

I surrender.

When I look at the stars, I think of multiverses and then ask myself, “In what dimension am I worth something? In what dimension do I matter?”


Sometimes, when I am alone in some bar or coffee shop, with a notebook and a pen, things that cannot happen start happening.

Like now. I will begin right now. I will write something now.

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